Gotta Be My Own Savior

There’s no one coming!  No rescuer! Nope! It took me a lot of time, years actually, to realize this. I’m just glad I realized this before it was too late. So, I know I haven’t posted for a while. I have good reasons for this, I promise.  And this isn’t one of my regular anime inspired blogs. This is just a rant. I’m not really comfortable (yet) talking about what really happened, therefore, I am just gonna give a gist. And, like I already said, I am going to rant. 

Basically, a year ago my brain just said a giant “FU” to me and decided to be like Sakura Haruno – Absolutely F*cking Useless.

I’m not saying it’s completely functional now, I am trembling just writing this, but might as well go for it, right? Or else what’s the use of all the meds and therapy and the hospital trips? There has to be some ROI on my pain and spending. I’m gonna call this my tiny step towards healing. Even though this feels like a big step for me. Therefore, I’m gonna Ganbharimasu the heck out of this! Please bare with me a little, I have been a bit rusty.

Right, as I was saying, No one was coming! No rescuer. I kept waiting. Well in all fairness to myself, at that point all I could do was wait. I was waiting for things to work out all my life. Waiting for things to get better. I tried my level best to get up in the beginning; but then, at one point, I was out of juice. I sat down and all I did was wait. I started waiting for things to work. Waiting for the right time. The right lighting. The right partner, the right country, career, major… Then the right meds, the right therapist, the right doctor. Waiting for someone to help me. I was looking for a rescuer for a while, especially when I became too sick. 

I kept yelling Tasukete and yet no one came.. No rescuer. There was no weirdly dressed Doctor and his TARDIS showing up out of the blue, there’s still no letter being dropped off for a magical school. No Yato God delivery service here, nor Captain Yami accidentally dimension slashed his way to my world. I did not get isekie’d by truck-kun nor did Natsuki Subaru and his savior complex  came to my rescue. Trust me. I would have found the toilet if I was sure to summon Hanako-kun. I mean who wouldn’t want a sly little helper ghost? No? Just me? Ok moving on.

So, no one was coming. No rescuer. I realized I had to fight this f*cking Titan of anxiety by myself. Be my own Levi. You know they say if you can’t be with them, become them. 😛 I remember tweeting a while back “In the world of Narutos and Sasukes be a Rock Lee”. And lately that’s what I have been feeling. Everyone was better than me, stronger than me. Apparently, everyone had these superpowers that I felt I wasn’t born with. Everything on instagram triggered me. I didn’t want to watch any inspiring anime because I didn’t want to feel f*cking inspired. I just wanted to feel ok to be tired. Tired and sad and lost. But then, I felt guilty for feeling these absolutely normal feelings for what I was going through. Yes, NORMAL FEELINGS! It took me a whole year to accept them as normal feelings. Social media had provided me with this facade of everyone being perfect and not going through tough times, or taking breaks. You just go go go. SURPASS YOUR LIMITS! Or as my boy Asta would say MADADA MADA MADA!

But there are days when I don’t want to MADADA!!!! I want to be enough. I want, I need a break without  feeling guilty. We all do. I need to feel ok if things aren’t perfect all the time. I want to be proud of my tiny little failures and move forward like Souma Yukihira and his weird little experimental dishes without feeling the world is gonna crash on me. Would I like a hot sensei/captain in my life to mentor me? F*ck yes! But do I have one?F*ck no! So unfortunately, I got to deal with it with what I got, and that’s Me! And I’ve decided to take it slow. One tiny step, tiny thought, tiny goal at a time. Because I think it’s time to be kinder to myself. I think we all need to be a bit kinder to ourselves. Don’t you think? So, we aren’t getting any heroic rescuers to get us out of sh*t. ‘Cause No ones coming. We just got to get back up stronger by being our own saviors! I know easier said than done.

IDK if this helped anyone, or was worth a read; but I wrote this in the moment. I felt maybe if you are out there waiting for someone like I was; then hopefully you realize that you are your own Savior and that you got this! And even if you don’t got this for now, it’s okay. Devour that pizza, binge that show, read the hot BL. But when the moment comes, that one teeny tiny moment when you want to do something, something as small as feeling inspired enough to dance to a song, draw the lamest artwork for funzies, learn that Tiktok dance trend even if you think you suck at it, Just do it. Be that Savior for that one moment and then go back to the ramen noodles and binge watching the show in your blanket burrito. 

I know, I’m talking real big right now. God knows if I’ll follow through these moments myself. But this right here is one of them. And for now that’s good enough for me. For this moment, this tiny moment of this post I feel like I saved myself. And, damn it does feel good 🙂 

With all my love and strength,
Neeno Noona